Maybe if I let it fall freely...

Thoughts so far today:

I sometimes enjoy my drive to work and dealing with all of the drivers with which I have developed a love/hate relationship.  It's like a big game of Tetris as I weave in and out of the steady stream of rushing and inconsiderate people.  I've come to develop a strategy based on the knowledge and expectation that almost everyone thinks their time is more important than yours and drive in such way that proves my strategy to be true.  I believe in understanding this it has allowed me to relax and let go of a lot of my anger in terms of driving and in turn life.  If my expectation is selfishness then when I am proven true it does not lead to disappointment.  This is much easier to deal with than expecting compassion and receiving selfishness, the let down is a much greater fall.  This is the inner-workings of my mind at it's finest, relating traffic patterns to the character of people.  But truthfully it has allowed me to have successful coping skills when things seem to be at their worse and even better I always get to my destination before the jerk who cut you off on your way to work.

On a similar note, I have created a definite correlation in my head between any given person's driving habits and their treatment of even the important people in their life.  I'm sure there are many variations and shades of grey in this metaphor and... considering I am on the inside looking in... I'm sure someone else will see things differently.  I like to drive fast and can be impatient.  I will do whatever I can get to where I want to go.  But the difference lies in this, I will not do so at the expense of or with complete disregard to the people around me.  This is not to say I feel myself better than others, I am sure that most people when looking inward believe themselves to be a good person and others as hurtful or selfish, it seems to be human nature to ignore one's own flaws while highlighting the flaws of others.

I really do believe music to be medicinal.  There are times that the weight of my days seem to be pinning to my shoulders to the ground and I feel as though I am failing at life.  Anxiety creeps in and I think about my long to-do list and then about how there is no way I will ever have enough time and/or drive to complete them all.  Or how money is the thing this world revolves around and I will never have enough that it won't add to the stress of my impending to-do list.  Oh!  How about all of the ways I want to better myself but I'm not actually good enough at any of them to be great?  I think all of these things are not out of the ordinary, I'm sure many people struggle with their own variations of this story.  The difference is how we each individually cope with these internal battles.  Some people are victorious early in this fight but then some people like myself let the battle rage on entirely too long and these emotional fights become a physical battle.  Increasing heart rate and shortness of breathe are weapons your mind uses against your body.  So I've had to develop my own weapon of war besides the chemical choices of my past.  I now get in my car or plug my ears with headphones and turn the volume up.  I drown out all the noise of life that is being amplified by my own mind.  (Which by the way, is a betrayal worse than that of any other person possible.)

So yeah... that is the bulk of my thoughts for the day... it's 11:27 a.m.