I would never date one of my friend’s exes. I must have said that to myself so many
times. It had of course happened to me
several times. In my relationship before
Ellen I had a friend who was staying with me the first night he had a
conversation with my then girlfriend about how they liked each other. So you can imagine I was pretty upset when I
found out they were “hanging out” a few days after we broke up. I was incredibly hurt and angry. Fast forward to 2 years later and I sit here
writing a blog about how my now fiancée and I started dating days after she
broke up with a friend of mine.
As you may or may not know that my fiancée and I started
dating within days of her breakup with her ex.
And yes, I was a friend with both Ellen and her partner. I have different beliefs on who I call friend
than that of many people but I’m not going to argue about that point because
whether we were friends or not, I do not regret my decision. A detail that I do want people to know is
this… I am not a cheater. I am not a
homewrecker. While Ellen was still in a
relationship I never violated their relationship. Did I think Ellen attractive and
intelligent? Yes. Did I pursue her verbally, physically, or any
other way? Absolutely not. The reason this is important to me is because
I am not happy that my character was damaged.
Now, you can believe that last piece or not, I honestly don’t
care. Regardless of if we were friends
or not, regardless of whether we cheated or not, the thing that matters most is
that I love Ellen. I truly feel
that we will spend the rest of our years making memories with each other and I
also believe that she truly believes the very same thing. Because of this we have been outcasted by
many people in a community we once called family and I will forever be the “bad
guy”.
There are so many levels of disappointment that have
resulted because of this situation but there has also been so much happiness
and growth. First the
disappointment. I called some of these
people friend and even more so I called the community home. Throughout the years I found a place where I belonged
in the gay community, a place where I was valued because of the person I was
not because of who I loved. And now I
find this very same community, a community that has spent the years persecuted
for who they love, essentially disowning me because of who I love. I did not choose to love Ellen. Why would I make such a hard choice? In the same way that my so-called family
would not choose to make the historically unacceptable choice to be gay.
I will even go a step farther for the skeptics. For the people who think that I did make a
choice. That I am wrong for loving my “friend’s”
ex-girlfriend, especially so close to their break-up. Ask yourself these questions, did my decision
hurt you? Have I ever made a decision
that impacted your life negatively? Does
my relationship make me any less of a friend or person? Have you ever made a decision based on your
own happiness? Has that decision ever
hurt someone else? There is one person
who I would completely understand if they thought I was the worst person in the
entire world… ONE.. so the probability that you are that person is almost
zero. If you are that person, my intent
in forming our friendship was not to hurt you, I fully understand why you feel
the way you feel, and I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused.
Moving on. Happiness and growth. Because of this I have found out who my true
friends are, they are the people who realize that I did not make the decision
to hurt someone and this does not define who I am as a person. So I am now able to grow and develop the
friendships that truly matter in my life.
I am also beginning new friendships with people who do not determine my
worth based on who I love.
Now for the really good part. The happiness. If I did make a choice to love Ellen, and I
could go back and do it all over again, I would still choose her. It is a love and a peace I have never
known. It is hard to describe
unless you have felt it yourself. I have
loved before. I have had happy and
healthy relationships. But they always
ended, obviously. But this is different;
I can feel it in my bones.
Not only to I love Ellen deeply but she also loves me just
as deeply. There is not a fiber of my
being that doesn’t believe that she and I are meant for each other. Hopeless romantic? Maybe so, but I would bet
my life on the fact that she feels the very same way. At the end of the day, when the weight of the
world weighs heavy on my shoulders, when I run through all the negative things
in my day, I always arrive on the very same thought. I always think of her and how incredibly
happy I am with her. I don’t depend on
Ellen for my happiness but she makes all of the things that make me unhappy
bearable.
Being an adult is hard.
There is work, school (for me), cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping among
many other things. But when I’m with her
they no longer feel like things I HAVE to do but things I WANT to do, as long
as I’m with her. I just keep typing
because I don’t feel like I can say anything that will accurately describe how
this feels; the only way you can know is if you have felt it too.
So that’s it. I don’t
know that any of it really matters to anyone but me. But my message to the reader that it does
matter to, for the reader that is being made to feel like you are wrong for “choosing”
to be happy, for choosing yourself, it will be okay. You’ve done the hardest part. Putting yourself first in a situation where
society expects you to “follow the rules” and put your happiness last is a hard
thing to do. Believing you deserve
happiness will be the best “choice” you ever make.
