2013

It's been a hard year.  But a good year.  Time to enjoy the ride...

Let Love Win

With some hesitancy I posted this small collage of my proposal to E last Friday night (I'm struggling to leave that sentence as is because as we all know that is in fact the title of a Katy Perry song).

I hesitated due to the negative response we have received in the past when posting about this love we share.  I did not want anyone to tarnish the beauty of what lies behind the picture and as I am typing there has been no such thing.  There has been nothing but an outpouring of love and support but something (or someone) in particular made my day.  We received an apology.  Prior to the existence of us, I had developed what I thought to be a friendship with someone... it was a friendship that I no longer had after choosing love.  

This apology was to admit fault in walking away from my friendship...it was an apology that I gladly accepted and always will.  Finally people are beginning to see what we have known from the beginning.  They can see in pictures alone the magnitude of our love... and the beauty of it all.  

In the past I would have gladly accepted the apology but hold tightly the little piece of the hurt.  This is no longer an option for me.   The me that is undoubtedly in love with E has no room for hurt.  She fills me up with good... I don't have room for anything but happy.  

Now is the time I turn to anyone who might be randomly reading this (which I'm sure is all of 5 people).... there may come a time when you will have to sacrifice all that you have come to know in order to be with the person that you know you will spend the rest of your days with.  I don't know that I have ever understood the statement "when you know, you just know" more than I do at this very moment in life.  I have known from the moment E and I started that she was "it" for me.  Don't let self doubt or insecurities get in your way...

Let Love Win

Bedtime Stories

I like to tell our bedtime stories
Not the bedtime stories one reads to children as they fall asleep
But stories of the words that fall from my mouth after we crawl into our bed

As you lay your head on my chest and drift into a peaceful slumber
This story is about last night

This is a tale of you being the only one for me

Proof of such a statement was of course needed

Declarations of how I changed my life for you were offered to fulfill this request

No sooner had the words left my lips you were objecting

No one should change for another person, this is true
But still truth can be found in these words

My life has in fact changed since meeting you

My life has changed because of you
My nights were once full of a multitude of different faces

different places

full of the kind of fun you can’t remember

 and you don’t miss when gone
They are still indeed full

So much so that there are never enough hours to be had

Full of you and you alone…

and that is enough
In return I am enough for you

We are just enough for each other

And that is what makes us extraordinary
For that, I consider myself lucky

Living an ordinary life full our extraordinary love.

To My Future Wife

This is Ellen.

This is the letter I wrote her 3 weeks before I proposed and plan to give her the night of the proposal.  I am also writing this blog on the 22nd but will not post it until after she has said yes.  I'm hoping that in 20 years I will look back through old letters, pictures, blogs and still feel the way I feel right now as I write this.

November 22^nd, 2013

To my future wife,

Since the beginning I have known that I would one day marry you.  And I am very careful in my choice of words in that statement.  Notice I did not say, "I have known that I would one day want to marry you".  This one word difference is much bigger than you might expect.  When you remove the word "want" from the statement it describes both the feelings of being in love AND being love in return with complete confidence.  I have known from the start that one day I would ask you to marry and I also known from the start that your answer would always be yes.  Even in the darkest of moments, if I were to stop... turn... and ask for your hand in marriage you would still answer yes.  I have never known a love like this, a love that is strong, a love that is genuine, a love that makes the rest of the world fade away, but most importantly a love that is balanced.  A love where the intensity of my feelings for you is only rivaled by the intensity of your feelings for me.  And together we can literally defeat any obstacle that is thrown our direction because nothing and no one is more important to me than spending every possible moment next to you for many days I am lucky enough to be granted the gift of life with you.

Because I have known that I would one day marry you for so long it was just about waiting for the right moment to present itself.  I think there are a lot of things that people procrastinate with for the sake of waiting to have more money to buy bigger things and make the wedding "perfect".  The thing is, the word perfect is completely objective.  And my idea of perfection is not one that is measured by money and possessions.  My idea of perfect is that the person I am marrying is the person who makes all the days after just as exciting as and my heart as full as the day I married them.

Normally at this time of the year, the holidays drawing near, I start to sadden myself with the lonesome and empty memories of holidays past but I find this year it has taken a new turn. The excitement I have for the coming days gets me through the stress of finishing out the semester and completing the many projects work is throwing at me.  You have already given me a priceless gift this holiday and that is the peace of knowing that the rest of my holidays will not be spent alone and each year will bring me a step closer to building the family I never knew what it felt like to have.

So as all of these thoughts were swirling around my head life started to show me that now is in fact the "right" time.  It is the "right" time because I have found you and you are the "right" person.  We are in a rough spot in our lives financially but I think I wouldn't want it any other way.  Having few financial resources forces me to be creative and in the end the small details I have emphasized are more valuable than anything money could buy.  Memories cannot be bought, they have to be created.

Tonight, the Christmas party, was a gift from the universe.  I would never have been able to arrange a night at such a venue with my limited financial resources.  And beyond the fact that work provided such a beautiful venue, I have also been looking to my co-workers as people I actually care about and I was happy to share such an event.  And because these people care for me they have helped me to make this as special for you as possible.  Having our song played and ensuring the moment was photographed were all done by these people for nothing in return but for the sake of love.

So there was of course the looming issue of the ring.  I cannot at the moment give you the ring I one day want to be able to give you.  Yes cost is a factor but also I want it to be as unique as the love we share.  But I also refused to propose empty handed.  So while I know this ring is not ultimately the ring you will wear on Sunday mornings when we sit on our front porch and watch our grandchildren play in the sun, it will be the small and simple ring that sits in your jewelry box in our bedroom.  It is the ring you sometimes pull out of that jewelry box and remember the night I proposed to you.  The ring whose value is not measured by the dollars used to purchase it but by the strength of the love that inspired the giving of it.

As I write this I am still discovering different ways to make this perfect for you.  I just bought the ring box that is to be made of tree branch with a heart and our initials carved into it.  I talked to your dad last night and asked for your hand in marriage.  I was a lot calmer than I thought I might be, and I think this is a testament to the confidence I have in your love for me and everyone's ability to see it when we are together, including your family.  I am calling your mom today to let her in on the plan.  She almost ruined it last night when she text you to inquire about an text she had received from your dad about being a mother-in-law.  I couldn't get to my phone fast enough to text her and make sure she didn't ruin the surprise.  Having it be a complete surprise has been THE MOST important thing to me.  Making your proposal a surprise is very difficult when you both have known you want to marry each other since day one.  

I sent you that article a few weeks ago by a man claiming, “Marriage is not for me”.  This of course was a witty tag line and the content of the article goes on to provide the alternative implications of “marriage is not for me”.  It outlines how marriage is not about you but it is about the person you are marrying.  People have had varying responses to this article.  Some disagree and say that it is not healthy to live your life for someone else and others side with the author and speak to how their own marriage embodies this concept.  Neither is the right way or the wrong way.  There is not one that is healthy and another that is not.  The truth is everyone loves differently and everyone has a different kind of love for each person that comes in and out of our lives.  For myself, marriage is in fact not for me.  This has become even more apparent in the planning of this night.  All of these things I have done so far in planning this proposal as well as anything I might plan from today are because I want this proposal to be for you... about you... to make you happy.  This proposal, our wedding, our life, everything from this moment on in my life is about you and your happiness.  Because in this article he says,

                “And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.”

In making this night perfect for you I have ensured the perfection of my night as well as all the days to follow.  In your happiness I will forever find my own. 

All of Me

Let Me Elaborate

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I wrote this the day I started the blog and somehow forgot to post it....

Well not exactly.... at least not for me.  The friends that I seem to have maintained over many years know this about me and have the same mindset.  Basically,  just because I'm not always around or don't talk to you often... doesn't mean I don't believe every word I say to you.  When I say you are important to me and I appreciate you... I mean it even if I'm not physically present to show you that truth of my words.

But lately I have been having a lot of guilt around the extreme to which I haven't been physically present as of late.  The thing is I plan my life around work, school, homework, gym, and TRAFFIC.   Many of these things may be flexible for me.. they just aren't.  They aren't all things I want to be doing either but I feel as though I HAVE to in order to be successful.

All of these HAVE to do things equates way fewer opportunities to CHOOSE to do anything else.  As these opportunities to choose shrink, I find it a lot harder to choose to do anything but do nothing.  This is where my guilt comes in.... does choosing to do nothing make me selfish and/or a "bad friend"?

The anxiety has been persistent today which is why I have written more extensively than in quite some years.  I had become pretty good at finding ways (unhealthy ways in my opinion) to cope with all of this.  But rather than avoidance I'm giving confrontation a chance.  I don't know that I will always be this successful.. not because the thoughts aren't always swimming but because I'll probably be busy.. you know.. sitting in traffic.

Like I just said....

Maybe if I let it fall freely...

Thoughts so far today:

I sometimes enjoy my drive to work and dealing with all of the drivers with which I have developed a love/hate relationship.  It's like a big game of Tetris as I weave in and out of the steady stream of rushing and inconsiderate people.  I've come to develop a strategy based on the knowledge and expectation that almost everyone thinks their time is more important than yours and drive in such way that proves my strategy to be true.  I believe in understanding this it has allowed me to relax and let go of a lot of my anger in terms of driving and in turn life.  If my expectation is selfishness then when I am proven true it does not lead to disappointment.  This is much easier to deal with than expecting compassion and receiving selfishness, the let down is a much greater fall.  This is the inner-workings of my mind at it's finest, relating traffic patterns to the character of people.  But truthfully it has allowed me to have successful coping skills when things seem to be at their worse and even better I always get to my destination before the jerk who cut you off on your way to work.

On a similar note, I have created a definite correlation in my head between any given person's driving habits and their treatment of even the important people in their life.  I'm sure there are many variations and shades of grey in this metaphor and... considering I am on the inside looking in... I'm sure someone else will see things differently.  I like to drive fast and can be impatient.  I will do whatever I can get to where I want to go.  But the difference lies in this, I will not do so at the expense of or with complete disregard to the people around me.  This is not to say I feel myself better than others, I am sure that most people when looking inward believe themselves to be a good person and others as hurtful or selfish, it seems to be human nature to ignore one's own flaws while highlighting the flaws of others.

I really do believe music to be medicinal.  There are times that the weight of my days seem to be pinning to my shoulders to the ground and I feel as though I am failing at life.  Anxiety creeps in and I think about my long to-do list and then about how there is no way I will ever have enough time and/or drive to complete them all.  Or how money is the thing this world revolves around and I will never have enough that it won't add to the stress of my impending to-do list.  Oh!  How about all of the ways I want to better myself but I'm not actually good enough at any of them to be great?  I think all of these things are not out of the ordinary, I'm sure many people struggle with their own variations of this story.  The difference is how we each individually cope with these internal battles.  Some people are victorious early in this fight but then some people like myself let the battle rage on entirely too long and these emotional fights become a physical battle.  Increasing heart rate and shortness of breathe are weapons your mind uses against your body.  So I've had to develop my own weapon of war besides the chemical choices of my past.  I now get in my car or plug my ears with headphones and turn the volume up.  I drown out all the noise of life that is being amplified by my own mind.  (Which by the way, is a betrayal worse than that of any other person possible.)

So yeah... that is the bulk of my thoughts for the day... it's 11:27 a.m.