To My Future Wife

This is Ellen.

This is the letter I wrote her 3 weeks before I proposed and plan to give her the night of the proposal.  I am also writing this blog on the 22nd but will not post it until after she has said yes.  I'm hoping that in 20 years I will look back through old letters, pictures, blogs and still feel the way I feel right now as I write this.

November 22^nd, 2013

To my future wife,

Since the beginning I have known that I would one day marry you.  And I am very careful in my choice of words in that statement.  Notice I did not say, "I have known that I would one day want to marry you".  This one word difference is much bigger than you might expect.  When you remove the word "want" from the statement it describes both the feelings of being in love AND being love in return with complete confidence.  I have known from the start that one day I would ask you to marry and I also known from the start that your answer would always be yes.  Even in the darkest of moments, if I were to stop... turn... and ask for your hand in marriage you would still answer yes.  I have never known a love like this, a love that is strong, a love that is genuine, a love that makes the rest of the world fade away, but most importantly a love that is balanced.  A love where the intensity of my feelings for you is only rivaled by the intensity of your feelings for me.  And together we can literally defeat any obstacle that is thrown our direction because nothing and no one is more important to me than spending every possible moment next to you for many days I am lucky enough to be granted the gift of life with you.

Because I have known that I would one day marry you for so long it was just about waiting for the right moment to present itself.  I think there are a lot of things that people procrastinate with for the sake of waiting to have more money to buy bigger things and make the wedding "perfect".  The thing is, the word perfect is completely objective.  And my idea of perfection is not one that is measured by money and possessions.  My idea of perfect is that the person I am marrying is the person who makes all the days after just as exciting as and my heart as full as the day I married them.

Normally at this time of the year, the holidays drawing near, I start to sadden myself with the lonesome and empty memories of holidays past but I find this year it has taken a new turn. The excitement I have for the coming days gets me through the stress of finishing out the semester and completing the many projects work is throwing at me.  You have already given me a priceless gift this holiday and that is the peace of knowing that the rest of my holidays will not be spent alone and each year will bring me a step closer to building the family I never knew what it felt like to have.

So as all of these thoughts were swirling around my head life started to show me that now is in fact the "right" time.  It is the "right" time because I have found you and you are the "right" person.  We are in a rough spot in our lives financially but I think I wouldn't want it any other way.  Having few financial resources forces me to be creative and in the end the small details I have emphasized are more valuable than anything money could buy.  Memories cannot be bought, they have to be created.

Tonight, the Christmas party, was a gift from the universe.  I would never have been able to arrange a night at such a venue with my limited financial resources.  And beyond the fact that work provided such a beautiful venue, I have also been looking to my co-workers as people I actually care about and I was happy to share such an event.  And because these people care for me they have helped me to make this as special for you as possible.  Having our song played and ensuring the moment was photographed were all done by these people for nothing in return but for the sake of love.

So there was of course the looming issue of the ring.  I cannot at the moment give you the ring I one day want to be able to give you.  Yes cost is a factor but also I want it to be as unique as the love we share.  But I also refused to propose empty handed.  So while I know this ring is not ultimately the ring you will wear on Sunday mornings when we sit on our front porch and watch our grandchildren play in the sun, it will be the small and simple ring that sits in your jewelry box in our bedroom.  It is the ring you sometimes pull out of that jewelry box and remember the night I proposed to you.  The ring whose value is not measured by the dollars used to purchase it but by the strength of the love that inspired the giving of it.

As I write this I am still discovering different ways to make this perfect for you.  I just bought the ring box that is to be made of tree branch with a heart and our initials carved into it.  I talked to your dad last night and asked for your hand in marriage.  I was a lot calmer than I thought I might be, and I think this is a testament to the confidence I have in your love for me and everyone's ability to see it when we are together, including your family.  I am calling your mom today to let her in on the plan.  She almost ruined it last night when she text you to inquire about an text she had received from your dad about being a mother-in-law.  I couldn't get to my phone fast enough to text her and make sure she didn't ruin the surprise.  Having it be a complete surprise has been THE MOST important thing to me.  Making your proposal a surprise is very difficult when you both have known you want to marry each other since day one.  

I sent you that article a few weeks ago by a man claiming, “Marriage is not for me”.  This of course was a witty tag line and the content of the article goes on to provide the alternative implications of “marriage is not for me”.  It outlines how marriage is not about you but it is about the person you are marrying.  People have had varying responses to this article.  Some disagree and say that it is not healthy to live your life for someone else and others side with the author and speak to how their own marriage embodies this concept.  Neither is the right way or the wrong way.  There is not one that is healthy and another that is not.  The truth is everyone loves differently and everyone has a different kind of love for each person that comes in and out of our lives.  For myself, marriage is in fact not for me.  This has become even more apparent in the planning of this night.  All of these things I have done so far in planning this proposal as well as anything I might plan from today are because I want this proposal to be for you... about you... to make you happy.  This proposal, our wedding, our life, everything from this moment on in my life is about you and your happiness.  Because in this article he says,

                “And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.”

In making this night perfect for you I have ensured the perfection of my night as well as all the days to follow.  In your happiness I will forever find my own. 

All of Me