Take A Step Back..Insight From the 7th Floor Ledge

This morning was a good one... simple..but good.  E and I fell off track the past few weeks because of my school demands but this morning we got up.. went to the gym... I got ready and was at the office by 7:00 am.  

This morning thing is new and at times is hard but I just have to keep reminding myself of how awesome I feel once we are finished.  After working out I got in my car and five minutes in to my drive I found Stevie Nicks on the radio, turned the volume up, and let the cold air roll in through the windows.  The sun was bright and it warmed my face along with the heater I had on low to create the perfect symphony of the morning chill on my skin and warmth slowly crawling up my legs.

I find comfort in the strangest things.  I think I was born in the city and spent my first ten years here, over the years the sights and the sounds of the city became home to me.  Then my mom decided to move my brother and I away from every family member we had ever known to a rural town in Missouri, population 850, my graduating class had 32 people in it. Sunrises and sunsets across fields and over lakes were a part of my everyday, sometimes happening in my "backyard".  Living in the beautiful countryside where many dream of living.  I HATED IT.

At night it was so quiet and dark, I found it hard to sleep without the familiar sounds of street traffic and sirens or the glow of the closest street light. The town itself was still trapped in a strange time warp, most kids had 2 parents (BOTH were biological) and they were related to at least 5 other people in the school.  Crime was nonexistent, kids couldn't even skip school because SOMEONE would inevitably see you and then mention it in passing to your family.  That's just how it was... small town life... except for me.

I have always known I was NOT small town.  I began to realize I "wasn't like everyone else" when I was 15 or so but I couldn't tell you why.  I can't say that I really even know in retrospect, there are so many things I do know about me as an adult that it's hard to say it was just one thing.  I mean there was the fact that I came from another state, I was not biologically related to ANYONE in that area, we were extremely poor, and my step-father was an alcoholic and EVERYONE knew it.  But of course no one dares to speak of such things or actually intervene.  So rather than try to be something I wasn't (the product of a perfect life with money and no cares in the world), I took every opportunity to distinguish myself as not like anyone else but myself.  I was apparently destined to push the boundaries of society.

So there I was at 7 a.m., allowing myself to remember those days and how hard my life was in more ways than one.  I climbed on the hood of my car... watched the sun rise over the buildings... the sunlight filling the parking structure... giving the concrete an orange glow.  I let myself breathe and appreciate not only being in the place I always felt at home but more importantly having found a home in myself.  It has been a challenging, thrilling, heartbreaking, crazy, beautiful adventure.

I can't wait to see what comes next..... 

Dirty Little Secret – My Side of the Story

I would never date one of my friend’s exes.  I must have said that to myself so many times.  It had of course happened to me several times.  In my relationship before Ellen I had a friend who was staying with me the first night he had a conversation with my then girlfriend about how they liked each other.  So you can imagine I was pretty upset when I found out they were “hanging out” a few days after we broke up.  I was incredibly hurt and angry.  Fast forward to 2 years later and I sit here writing a blog about how my now fiancée and I started dating days after she broke up with a friend of mine.

As you may or may not know that my fiancée and I started dating within days of her breakup with her ex.  And yes, I was a friend with both Ellen and her partner.  I have different beliefs on who I call friend than that of many people but I’m not going to argue about that point because whether we were friends or not, I do not regret my decision.  A detail that I do want people to know is this… I am not a cheater.  I am not a homewrecker.  While Ellen was still in a relationship I never violated their relationship.  Did I think Ellen attractive and intelligent?  Yes.  Did I pursue her verbally, physically, or any other way?  Absolutely not.  The reason this is important to me is because I am not happy that my character was damaged.

Now, you can believe that last piece or not, I honestly don’t care.  Regardless of if we were friends or not, regardless of whether we cheated or not, the thing that matters most is that I love Ellen.  I truly feel that we will spend the rest of our years making memories with each other and I also believe that she truly believes the very same thing.  Because of this we have been outcasted by many people in a community we once called family and I will forever be the “bad guy”. 

There are so many levels of disappointment that have resulted because of this situation but there has also been so much happiness and growth.  First the disappointment.  I called some of these people friend and even more so I called the community home.  Throughout the years I found a place where I belonged in the gay community, a place where I was valued because of the person I was not because of who I loved.  And now I find this very same community, a community that has spent the years persecuted for who they love, essentially disowning me because of who I love.  I did not choose to love Ellen.  Why would I make such a hard choice?  In the same way that my so-called family would not choose to make the historically unacceptable choice to be gay. 

I will even go a step farther for the skeptics.  For the people who think that I did make a choice.  That I am wrong for loving my “friend’s” ex-girlfriend, especially so close to their break-up.  Ask yourself these questions, did my decision hurt you?  Have I ever made a decision that impacted your life negatively?  Does my relationship make me any less of a friend or person?  Have you ever made a decision based on your own happiness?  Has that decision ever hurt someone else?  There is one person who I would completely understand if they thought I was the worst person in the entire world… ONE.. so the probability that you are that person is almost zero.  If you are that person, my intent in forming our friendship was not to hurt you, I fully understand why you feel the way you feel, and I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused.

Moving on. Happiness and growth.  Because of this I have found out who my true friends are, they are the people who realize that I did not make the decision to hurt someone and this does not define who I am as a person.  So I am now able to grow and develop the friendships that truly matter in my life.  I am also beginning new friendships with people who do not determine my worth based on who I love.

Now for the really good part.  The happiness.  If I did make a choice to love Ellen, and I could go back and do it all over again, I would still choose her.  It is a love and a peace I have never known.  It is hard to describe unless you have felt it yourself.  I have loved before.  I have had happy and healthy relationships.  But they always ended, obviously.  But this is different; I can feel it in my bones.

Not only to I love Ellen deeply but she also loves me just as deeply.  There is not a fiber of my being that doesn’t believe that she and I are meant for each other.  Hopeless romantic? Maybe so, but I would bet my life on the fact that she feels the very same way.  At the end of the day, when the weight of the world weighs heavy on my shoulders, when I run through all the negative things in my day, I always arrive on the very same thought.  I always think of her and how incredibly happy I am with her.  I don’t depend on Ellen for my happiness but she makes all of the things that make me unhappy bearable. 

Being an adult is hard.  There is work, school (for me), cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping among many other things.  But when I’m with her they no longer feel like things I HAVE to do but things I WANT to do, as long as I’m with her.  I just keep typing because I don’t feel like I can say anything that will accurately describe how this feels; the only way you can know is if you have felt it too.

So that’s it.  I don’t know that any of it really matters to anyone but me.  But my message to the reader that it does matter to, for the reader that is being made to feel like you are wrong for “choosing” to be happy, for choosing yourself, it will be okay.  You’ve done the hardest part.  Putting yourself first in a situation where society expects you to “follow the rules” and put your happiness last is a hard thing to do.  Believing you deserve happiness will be the best “choice” you ever make.

Expectations and Disappointment Are Inevitable...You Just Have A Perception Problem (if you are old enough and were a HT kid you know this existed before E-cards)

10:30 am: 

I wish I could write more.  I always want to…

11:30 am:

That is exactly how much I wrote of this post the first time I sat down before I got distracted.  My headphones malfunctioned and the situation had to be corrected, immediately!  Then while I was attempting to figure out how they were put together I overheard the marketing department talking about internal communication breakdowns that have been an ongoing problem but it is just now becoming a blip on the radar of “the important people”.  Before I even made it to my chair I decided to go talk to my supervisor but her desk was empty (lucky) but before I made it all the way to my desk I decided to stop and check-in with a co-worker….who is also overwhelmed with her responsibilities….

Start new paragraph.  I say this only to stop myself from listing out the boring details of everything we talked about that would in turn lead me to numerous other tangents of stuff we didn’t talk about.  So briefly the topics covered included (and this is going somewhere I promise…even though I didn’t know it when I started writing):

 • A shift in focus for the company including how that shift mirrors the changing conditions of business as a whole, 

• Qualities of being a truly good manager and how most are lacking in one way or another, and 

• How the shortening of product life cycles in the technology industry and upper management’s slow response time are the reason many company’s in that industry fail

• Lastly and most importantly, the aforementioned response time is caused by their unwillingness to listen to their employees… you know me… the little guy because really that’s what this is all about at the end of the day… how it affects me.  

Now we get to the real point.  Everyone…no matter what career they chose and their motivation for choosing it is different...and because of that we will forever be unsatisfied if we expect anyone (work or life) to think about how their decision will affect me before they think about how it affects them… the only difference between me and a CEO is that their decision affect a lot more people.  (Future self: if you are reading this you probably needed a reminder… this piece of information has changed your life…professionally AND personally.  Don’t fall prey to your own loneliness…while it can be difficult…it is much easier than creating non-genuine relationships that do nothing but hurt you.)

Okay.  Let’s try this again.  The initial point of the prior paragraph was an attempt at explaining how quickly the tides change in my head and this is the reason writing can be difficult to me.  But in the end was about something entirely different.  This is life daily…from the mundane to the extraordinary…everything makes me think of something else… and then something else.  I believe I have said before that you could describe my intellectual process Bing.com personified.

I wish that people could understand it…to see it.  The things that I post online or say out loud are only a very small fraction of what actually runs through my head…there are so many and they are continually cascading one over the other.  I have made attempts to explain it but all people see is that I never go out anymore or I am extremely bad at texting people back or something else I’m not doing to fulfill their definition of a good friend (aka expectations).  Life has become more complicated lately (in a good way).  I am actually having my mental capacity challenged.  Being a grad student, working full time, being a good boyfriend, being healthy (5am gym session and meal prep) and… and…and…and it takes all of my focus to somewhat live up to my own definition of mildly successful at all of these things.  (Successful is generous… head above water is more accurate.)

There is always something I want... or even need to do that I don’t quite get to…so I have to shift priorities to what is important to me (again, that’s really what it’s all about right).  For me…in my life right now it is home, family, career, and education… which leaves little room for anything else.  It is not personal (REMEMBER THIS PART).  And for me, if you can’t understand that then you in turn don’t live up to my definition of a good friend either…so while it makes me sad…I know I will be okay…and I am confident in my decision to choose me…to choose what is important TO ME at this point in my life.  Healthy relationship/friendships will adapt to change and circumstance.

As I was saying…that and much much more are swirling in my head at any given minute.  Then, out of nowhere, it is all too much…there is no way I can possibly do all of these things…there is now way I can keep up.  In the past my reaction has been to just not do any of it…to not care.  I literally used to live so that my entire life would fit in a car…when it all became too much I could just leave it all behind...or quit my job…find fun and meaningless things to do and people to know.  I can’t do it anymore… I just can’t…because that failure is much harder for ME to handle than going out to a bar which leads to a missed assignment/deadline/failed test which is an impediment to attaining my goals.  (Again, this is for me…because that is what is important.)

So now that I dropped all that heavy shit on you… here is the list of things I thought of before 10am this morning:

• This:

• Wow that really is a Ford F150 turned into a Hearst…I definitely live in Texas.  I need to remember this name so I can look it up.  (For the record I don’t remember the name.)

• In regards to the song Ray Charles by the band Chiddy Bang… if you finished listening to this song and aren’t in a better mood than when you started then you have no soul.  Also, these lyrics are super smart but funny.

• New Radicals – Get What You Give:  This is my theme song for life right now.

Lastly there is all that feel good crap that people hate to hear people talk about but secretly agree with:

Making this “GOOD MOOD GUARANTEED” playlist was the best thing I could have done for myself (I made it this morning before getting ready for work and after plotting my next career move).  Music is in fact good for your soul…especially when the list is tailored to be all of the songs that can put you in a good mood no matter what.  I sometimes believe it is in fact stronger than any drug meant for the same thing.  Everyone should do this.

If you found this randomly or clicked on it on Facebook…you must have been really bored.  If you’re still reading this you obviously have more of an attention span than I do….congratulations!  But I have to stop…I must return to my regularly scheduled activities but I am learning how to occasionally stop… take a minute…an hour…whatever I can manage…to do the “non-productive” things (like writing this blog) that make me happy.  After all, that’s really what it’s all about anyway…right?  

Motor Oil Memories

I don't have a lot of time these days.  School started a few weeks ago and I already feel like I'm drowning again.  But I just noticed the date and it reminded me of a thought I had the other day so this will be brief.

Today is my father's birthday.. well it would have been.  He would have been 69 years old today.  It's so strange for me to think about, my parents being senior citizens.  They never made it that far, maybe that is why I have a hard time imagining what it will be like to get old.  

The reason I mention this is because the strangest thing happened yesterday when I got on the elevator at work.  As the door closed and inhaled through my nose, I noticed a faint scent and in my head decided the person who had been on the elevator before me must have been a mechanic or something similar.  I don't have a lot of memories of my dad.  But that smell is one of them.

I never really had much time with my father.  He and my mother divorced when I was five, my mom moved us out of state when I was ten, he was in prison from age thirteen until I was around twenty.  After that I still lived out of state and saw him rarely.  He was also a man with a very tough exterior, I didn't see many emotions other than anger or the occasional laugh.  As he grew older I noticed him soften, I even saw him cry the one time I went to visit him while incarcerated.  I knew that he loved me but never felt the same connection as I did with my mom.  But that smell took me right back to him.

He worked as a mechanic for most of his life and while visiting him on the weekends he would spend most of his time working on something or another in the garage.  So generally I have two memories of my father that have stuck with me.  One is that when I was very young he had two Harley Davidson motorcycles and I would love when he decided to take a break and take me on a ride.  The second is the one that came to mind as those elevator doors closed.  No matter when I saw him...he always had dirt under his fingernails, a gray tint to his hands, and that faint smell of motor oil lingered around him.  

That's really all there is to say... I wish there were more to this story.. maybe had he lived to see my return to Texas I could have gotten to know him better.  I hope that if he is watching that he has at least gotten to know me better... and is proud of the person I have become.

2013

It's been a hard year.  But a good year.  Time to enjoy the ride...

Let Love Win

With some hesitancy I posted this small collage of my proposal to E last Friday night (I'm struggling to leave that sentence as is because as we all know that is in fact the title of a Katy Perry song).

I hesitated due to the negative response we have received in the past when posting about this love we share.  I did not want anyone to tarnish the beauty of what lies behind the picture and as I am typing there has been no such thing.  There has been nothing but an outpouring of love and support but something (or someone) in particular made my day.  We received an apology.  Prior to the existence of us, I had developed what I thought to be a friendship with someone... it was a friendship that I no longer had after choosing love.  

This apology was to admit fault in walking away from my friendship...it was an apology that I gladly accepted and always will.  Finally people are beginning to see what we have known from the beginning.  They can see in pictures alone the magnitude of our love... and the beauty of it all.  

In the past I would have gladly accepted the apology but hold tightly the little piece of the hurt.  This is no longer an option for me.   The me that is undoubtedly in love with E has no room for hurt.  She fills me up with good... I don't have room for anything but happy.  

Now is the time I turn to anyone who might be randomly reading this (which I'm sure is all of 5 people).... there may come a time when you will have to sacrifice all that you have come to know in order to be with the person that you know you will spend the rest of your days with.  I don't know that I have ever understood the statement "when you know, you just know" more than I do at this very moment in life.  I have known from the moment E and I started that she was "it" for me.  Don't let self doubt or insecurities get in your way...

Let Love Win

Bedtime Stories

I like to tell our bedtime stories
Not the bedtime stories one reads to children as they fall asleep
But stories of the words that fall from my mouth after we crawl into our bed

As you lay your head on my chest and drift into a peaceful slumber
This story is about last night

This is a tale of you being the only one for me

Proof of such a statement was of course needed

Declarations of how I changed my life for you were offered to fulfill this request

No sooner had the words left my lips you were objecting

No one should change for another person, this is true
But still truth can be found in these words

My life has in fact changed since meeting you

My life has changed because of you
My nights were once full of a multitude of different faces

different places

full of the kind of fun you can’t remember

 and you don’t miss when gone
They are still indeed full

So much so that there are never enough hours to be had

Full of you and you alone…

and that is enough
In return I am enough for you

We are just enough for each other

And that is what makes us extraordinary
For that, I consider myself lucky

Living an ordinary life full our extraordinary love.