Saturday Morning Cartoons

June 14,2014

There is so much more to this story than what I have time to tell right now.  I have been processing through some pretty life changing shit as of late but that will have to be another day.  The point is I am finding happiness in ways I could barely even remember.  Genuine happiness.  Not brought on being madly in love, not the high of a Saturday night full of drinking, no drugs, and not spending money I probably should be saving for that trip I want to take.  Because the problem with all of those things is this... they are fleeting.

So instead of giving my body and my mind temporary fixes to make me feel happy, I have made the more difficult choice of giving it what it needs.  It has been super hard and I am by no means do I think it won't be hard ever again.  But something funny has happened that makes it worth it...my body has actually started giving me exactly what I was searching for...happiness.  And now all of these things that I could never see about myself have become abundantly clear...

I'm pretty sure I stopped focusing on what made me happy in life by age ten.  Up until then I had a fairly normal life.  We were poor but we had a place to live but I had family in my life that made me happy and safe and as a child that's all that's important.  But then she made the decision to move my brother and I away to Missouri which was hundreds of miles and an 8 hour drive away.  My father couldn't stop her because he hadn't paid child support in years and so he just let her take us.  And this was before the cell phones, iPads, the prevalent use of internet at all... so for me.. it was a world away.  Every since then, that's exactly how I have felt... like my happiness was a world away and there was no way to get in touch with it.

So over the past 20 years I have done nothing but focus on all of the difficulties that were to follow.  And while I do have those things to thank for giving me the strength to make a difficult journey a little easier, I have also let all of my anger about that time in my past destroy and hope I had for happiness in my here and now.  I always felt like there was some outside reason I was not happy.  Not happy with my relationship, not happy with my job, not happy with living situation..... blah blah blah.  But the only thing that was preventing me from being happy was me... my demons.

But somehow I'm here, still standing.  Well more like kneeling at this point; but, I know it's better than laying down and letting the vicious cycle of my parents' mistakes win.  And I've actually started to remember the things from the best part of my childhood that made me happy.. remembering how to feel happy like that again.