I’ve never really been that good at committing to most
things as an adult. Majors, careers,
cities, friendships are at the top of that list. But relationships… relationships I can commit
to even when it would be in my interest to not… hopeless romantic I guess. I think there is a definite difference in my
ability to commit to commit to romantic relationships versus non-romantic
relationships.
When I was 10 my mom decided to move my brother and I away
from every family member I knew and loved and move us 8 hours away because that
is what she and my step-father wanted for themselves. Once there my step-father was reunited with
his hometown and fell back into a lifetime of alcoholism. For 8 years I lived in a house of physical
and mental abuse and not once did she ever even think about leaving him. Not once did she think of the impact her
choices were making on anyone but herself or him. I mean pointing a shotgun at your kids is
totally acceptable behavior by your husband, right?
We moved so often when I was young that I never stayed in a
school long enough to make long-term friends and by the time we finally were
stable in a school system I was in the 6th grade. The place they finally decided to stay? Osceola, Missouri. Population: 752 The kids
in my class had been friends and/or relatives almost their entire lives. Let’s just say I had problems fitting in… not
only were we poor and my step-father a town drunk but I had 12 years of creating
friendships that I couldn’t ever duplicate.
I also thought that my family didn’t really care about me
either. My dad’s side of the family
never really contacted me or made the effort to see me. Now as an adult I can see that they just didn’t
have the financial resources to see me and life can just get in the way. As for my mom’s side…the few people I was
closest to… I thought that they knew how bad things were and didn’t want the
burden of taking care of us and turned a blind eye.
So basically in my youth I always had this perception that no
one really loved me enough to make a decision that put my best interest before
their own. The first time I ever really
believed that was true was during my first relationship. It was also the first time I felt like
someone knew everything about me and loved me regardless of my circumstance.
It’s really quite cyclical.
My perception as a kid causes a detachment from non-romantic
relationship and a dependency on romantic relationships for validation. Leaving me to be just like my mother. Awesome.
But luckily for me I also learned a lot about what I don’t want for the
rest of my life and I spent most of my 20’s learning through a lot of
heartbreak many other types of relationships I don’t want in my life which
means I’m much better at deciding what relationships are worth fighting for…
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