I'm Done Being Nice.

I want to be kind.

I’ve been making a conscious effort to be less angry at the world.  To get to a place where my instinct is not to respond with anger but compassion.  Life isn’t perfect but I’ve been trying to learn to appreciate what I have versus what I don’t.  On the rough days I question if I’m doing a very good job and whether I’m really a “good” person.  But yesterday I saw a change in me that I hope is a sign I am on the right path.  I had entered a raffle at work to win round-trips tickets to anywhere in the US territories and, unfortunately, I did not win.  My initial reaction is still to think about myself and be upset about my loss but then I looked at the names of the winners and that all instantly disappeared.  The winner was a woman I previously worked with in another department and I know a little about her life.  I know enough to know that those tickets are a once in a lifetime opportunity for her.  How can I be upset about that? 

Is this what empathy feels like?  I’m horrible at it… I know this… but I strive to be better…to be kind.  I’ve been able to move past much of the emotional distress of what I now know to be a fairly harsh childhood.  You see, you never know how bad it is while you are in it.  You just survive.  But then you start meeting different types of people and learning about their lives.  They in turn learn about yours.  Through the years I found that most don’t have the ability to empathize with what I tell them.  Empathy is easier if you have a personal reference, if you have had a similar experience but no one else had experienced anything close to my childhood.  So most had no response and I was never upset about that consciously…I know my life has been… unique.  But I think after years of trying to connect, of trying to feel as though someone genuinely understood and cared about not only what I had been through but what I go through, and not finding what I was looking for… I just stopped.  I stopped caring about what other people were going through.  I stopped caring about how my actions affected myself and others and focused on how other’s actions negatively affected me.

I would not recommend this to anyone…it is exhausting pretending to not care all of the time or to be angry all the time.  The past five years have been a time of tremendous growth but the past three years have also been filled with fighting demons I never knew existed.  But in this time I have also had people pass through my life who have offered copious amounts of empathy … even when I didn’t deserve it.  It is having you in my life that has allowed me to learn from you… to be a better person.

To those that might think I don’t see them…I promise you I do… I appreciate you.

(This is a short list…there are many more…but if my life were a game…these would be the key players)

Casie – Let’s be honest…neither one of us is very good at feel good friend stuff but you have always been there if I need anything… you are there when it really counts.  I know that dependability may not seem like the biggest compliment but coming from someone who has rarely had it in their lives…it means more than I can explain.  I love you.  I said it.  But just this once.

Jes – Our friendship has been sporadic but we are both adults and lead adult lives…which at times can get in the way.  But the thing is when the party was over and everyone else walked out the door …. You stayed…you did not let others shape your opinion of my character and in doing so showed me the strength of yours.  Maybe now that I’m not in school we could hang out more… I would like that.

Chris – Well this is the most unexpected friendships I’ve ever had and yet just what I needed in my life right now.  I’m able to laugh and say all the dumb shit that falls out of my mouth with no remorse.  But mostly…I’m able to talk to someone about life…and about people.  We have the same outlook on what being happy looks like and what being a good person really means.  Those conversations make me feel a little more sane.  (I bet that was a compliment you never thought someone would give you)

Kasson – We have different lifestyles and we barely get to see each other but when we do it’s like I saw you yesterday.  These are my favorite kinds of friendships.  Not because I don’t want to spend time with you but because you understand that life is busy and finding time is hard.  You understand that my physical presence is not how I show I care and a lack of it does not mean I care less.  I always say that you are one of the best people I know…you are a rarity in the world… you are genuinely a good soul.

Whitney – “People Experiencing Homelessness”.  That is all.  Just kidding.  You drive me crazy…something like a sibling would…I think it’s because we come from very similar backgrounds so we can relate on that shit but we are very different adults.  But it’s that difference that makes us friends.  You are constantly thinking of and doing for others who don’t even know… and it inspires me to try to do the same.

Skye – It seems as though those that are closest to you suffer the most in times of self-pity and anger.  And lucky for you… you were my closest friend when I was wallowing in my pain!  I know it’s not funny.. but I just want to say I’m sorry… I am sure I lashed out and was selfish in our friendship.  And yet you still tried to give me love and support in a time when you were struggling yourself.  You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important…to me.

Karen – You were my family when I lost my own.  You are my very own voice of reason.  You have shown me forgiveness for things I would not forgive myself.  I will always be here if you need me…

Ellen – I’m pretty sure you met me at my worst yet you loved me unconditionally.  I will never be able to tell you how much I love and appreciate you.  (You should know this is a really big deal...I like to talk…A LOT)  I’ve waited for what feels like a lifetime for you…you make me excited for the second half.