A Love I Will Never Regret Giving

This past weekend E and I took a very short road trip (approximately 3 hours), went to see her favorite band in concert, stayed the night, and then got up the next day to drive home.  That trip, however short in time and distance, allowed me a second to press pause on the stress and anxiety I have felt lately.  Even upon our return home we lingered in that state, forgetting the responsibilities of being a real adult.  We laid on the couch together, watched a movie, and the only thing on my mind was how happy I was to be doing absolutely nothing but laying next to her.

Of course, now it is Monday and it's back to real life.  Unfortunately, reality includes doing things you don't really want to spend time doing in order to be able to do all of the things you REALLY want to do.  Only a chosen few are lucky enough to pursue their passion, enjoying their career AND making money doing so.  But the point is, I woke up to a note from E.

It's not some sweet love note but instructions on what needs to be done when picking up the dogs from boarding today (so that we could take our road trip).  And then, I smiled like it was a sweet love note.  So of course, I started thinking.

Thinking about how lucky I am to have someone that I get to share this kind of life with.  This isn't some fairytale, life isn't a fairytale.  Eventually we are all adults, and we all have to deal with real adult stuff.  From paying bills, going to work, going to the grocery store, and picking up the dogs from boarding....we all have to do things that aren't the highlight of our day...things that we would rather not have to do.  But with E, I get to spend the rest of my life not doing those things alone and that makes doing those not fun things seem not so bad.

I am a lover.  I have loved before.  All of those relationships lacked something that I needed at that time or that the other person needed.  I have even been in a relationship where I actually believed it would last a lifetime.  But it didn't, because they did not want that...we wanted different things and were and different points in our life... and that is okay because every relationship has led me to be exactly the right person for this exact moment in my life and to be the best possible partner to exactly who I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  E is all the things I have wanted in a partner on paper, she loves me as deeply as I love her, and she wants exactly what I want for our life together.

That last piece, that's the hardest part.  That part is more commonly known as "timing is a bitch".  Here's where it gets even harder.  This person is the one you have been waiting for, but the truth is nothing is perfect.  There will be disagreements.  There will be hard times.  And that looks different for everyone but you should be used to that by now, in case you haven't noticed some individuals have it harder than others.  But what makes it real true love... what makes it a real life fairytale... is that both people love each other enough to not walk away.  No matter what life throws at them, they love each other enough to endure the bad times, and come out on the other side stronger for having been through it.  And that's what I have with E, not only do I know I love her in this way, but I believe she loves me in that very same way.

Our hard times are not really all that hard.  Actually, I think the most difficult thing is my lack of time.  Making it through grad school while working full-time AND maintaining a relationship has proven more difficult than expected.  I know that I can't always give as much of my time and attention as either of us would like but I try my best and we both know grad school will end.  And so until that time we take three hour road trips to forget those struggles for as long as possible, re-charge emotionally, and return to the fight.

I will end on this.  There are always skeptics.  Those who will say noone knows the future and therefore I cannot say with 100% certainty that she and I will be together until the end of our days.  Some are such skeptics that they tell me I will regret the decisions I have made.  And this is very true.  I cannot make that claim, but what I can say is this...right now I can say with certainty that I love her so much so that right now I intend to overcome any obstacle we may face and I intend to be by her side until my last breath.  I can also say with certainty I believe, right now, her love equals mine and her intent is the same as mine as well.  And even if this proves to be untrue in the end, being able to live a life with those beliefs for as long as I possibly can is a kind of peace that I will never regret.

Waking Up With The Sun

Good Morning Dallas

Last week I wrote about sitting on the hood of my car, taking in the sunshine and cool air of the morning.  I was thinking about it myself today when driving to work.  I was thinking  what a great day I had at work and so I decided I wanted to try it out again today.

I drove as far as I could to the top of the garage and parked next to the rope that keeps cars from parking on the very top level, got out of the car and walked to the rooftop.  It is early so no one drives past the 4th floor that early and so it was just me.  Again, I sat in the sun but this time I was able to feel it's warmth in it's entirety.  These are the types of things I need to remember when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m. and I take those first few seconds to decide if I'm going to get up or not.

Hopefully, thinking of those things and how much better my days turn out to be when I go to the gym will continue to make it easier to find the rhythm.  Now that I don't go out during the week I eat better and get more sleep, making it then easier to get up in the mornings.  This is why I say being an adult isn't so bad.  Since I have stopped going out I have been much healthier and feel better about myself physically.  The gym and the routine has also encouraged the habit of being more diligent about my work and my schoolwork.  I'm still a procrastinator, I just finish the homework the day before instead of the day it is due.  Just seems like what they say is true... healthy habits lead to more healthy habits and success.

I really hate that I just typed all that out.  I feel like one of those herbalife people, except I'm not selling you anything.  And I try to get most of my nutrients from actual food... I know... call me crazy.  Although, I can't say that I wouldn't look into it if E wasn't the amazing cook that she is. She loves me so much that she cooks everyday because she knows that if she doesn't make food I won't eat that day.  I don't expect her to cook, it's just not that big of a deal not to eat to me.  I spent the past couple of years being very unhealthy about my eating habits, I just didn't do it enough.  There were times I could go almost 2 days without eating and not even notice it.

I starting writing those things about myself and I realize how unhealthy my life was and how incredibly lucky I am to have the life I do now.  But the thing about it is, when you are in that place in your life it doesn't seem unhealthy, and maybe at that moment it isn't.  Maybe at that moment in your life you are doing exactly what you need to do to get by, to stop the sadness from swallowing you whole, or some just need to "sew their wild oats", but whatever the case it is the right place at the right time in your reality.  But my reality is that had I continued to do those things, I would not be able to be successful in school or in trying to live a healthier lifestyle.  So now my reality is something much different from a lot of people I once knew, and I'm totally at peace with that fact.

So this was supposed to be a short blog about how I think I will start my mornings on the rooftop, spending some time with just me and the sun.  But it never seems to turn out that way.. I just keep typing as the thoughts roll through my head.  But I have to go... work calls ... which I must get done as soon as possible so I can then have time to work on my homework... so I can then I have time to go grocery shopping...so I can then have time to meal prep... so then I can go to sleep early enough to get up at 5am tomorrow and do it all over again.... and again... and again... ... ...

Take A Step Back..Insight From the 7th Floor Ledge

This morning was a good one... simple..but good.  E and I fell off track the past few weeks because of my school demands but this morning we got up.. went to the gym... I got ready and was at the office by 7:00 am.  

This morning thing is new and at times is hard but I just have to keep reminding myself of how awesome I feel once we are finished.  After working out I got in my car and five minutes in to my drive I found Stevie Nicks on the radio, turned the volume up, and let the cold air roll in through the windows.  The sun was bright and it warmed my face along with the heater I had on low to create the perfect symphony of the morning chill on my skin and warmth slowly crawling up my legs.

I find comfort in the strangest things.  I think I was born in the city and spent my first ten years here, over the years the sights and the sounds of the city became home to me.  Then my mom decided to move my brother and I away from every family member we had ever known to a rural town in Missouri, population 850, my graduating class had 32 people in it. Sunrises and sunsets across fields and over lakes were a part of my everyday, sometimes happening in my "backyard".  Living in the beautiful countryside where many dream of living.  I HATED IT.

At night it was so quiet and dark, I found it hard to sleep without the familiar sounds of street traffic and sirens or the glow of the closest street light. The town itself was still trapped in a strange time warp, most kids had 2 parents (BOTH were biological) and they were related to at least 5 other people in the school.  Crime was nonexistent, kids couldn't even skip school because SOMEONE would inevitably see you and then mention it in passing to your family.  That's just how it was... small town life... except for me.

I have always known I was NOT small town.  I began to realize I "wasn't like everyone else" when I was 15 or so but I couldn't tell you why.  I can't say that I really even know in retrospect, there are so many things I do know about me as an adult that it's hard to say it was just one thing.  I mean there was the fact that I came from another state, I was not biologically related to ANYONE in that area, we were extremely poor, and my step-father was an alcoholic and EVERYONE knew it.  But of course no one dares to speak of such things or actually intervene.  So rather than try to be something I wasn't (the product of a perfect life with money and no cares in the world), I took every opportunity to distinguish myself as not like anyone else but myself.  I was apparently destined to push the boundaries of society.

So there I was at 7 a.m., allowing myself to remember those days and how hard my life was in more ways than one.  I climbed on the hood of my car... watched the sun rise over the buildings... the sunlight filling the parking structure... giving the concrete an orange glow.  I let myself breathe and appreciate not only being in the place I always felt at home but more importantly having found a home in myself.  It has been a challenging, thrilling, heartbreaking, crazy, beautiful adventure.

I can't wait to see what comes next.....